@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

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@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@Aikiwomannc

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

@karanbirtinna

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

@chunkbardey

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

@rn_murse

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@SteveKoehler22

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.