*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
oh my god
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Put this video in the Louvre
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….