Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat