“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal