Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Found my door mat
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.