Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.