“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
SCARY COSTUME
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Still a very good boi….
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog