Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
2022 will be better than 2021
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other