Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Jurassic park gets weird
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Well, this is awkward
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
