Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO