“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Actually cracking up @ this
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
🐕🍷
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
shit just got real
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak