“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this