Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
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I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Anyone want a chair?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.