Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.