well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better