“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then