“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
still the best tweet of the year by far
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?