“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”