‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Strange
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks