Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Milk Cube
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I don’t get marriage
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild