Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
#TopTip
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”