@sarcasticmommy4

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

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@24HourBitching

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

@ThinkingSavage

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

@TuSoonShakur

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

@Shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@i_Lean

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

@withanewname

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@slimmy_shady

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.