Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop