Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
6. me as a lawyer
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.