Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
You Might Also Like
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.