You Might Also Like
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Straight people are cancelled
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
