“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You Might Also Like
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.