Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok