Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Look at this
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?