Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
that colleague who touches your screen
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
The Struggle
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.