Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Terribly Tuesday.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The Weeknd is back
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M