We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Well, shit
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
British people be like I’m Bri ish
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.