Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif