Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Animal poetry
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.