well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Catering service
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.