Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
the dark web is just a goth google.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*