Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.