well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.