“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
i love meeting boys on tinder
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
me hitting on a model
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.