Well, my evening plans are ruined
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”