Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Goodnight 🐶
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth