Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof