well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.