Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
“HELP WITH CAT”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing