Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”