Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lint rolls you awake*

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Imma just leave this here…………

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!