Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“That’s what” – She
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone