well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
How do you milk an almond?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.