Well, shit
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Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My Plans 2020
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.