Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster