Well. That’s not a good sign.
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet