Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.