Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Worst bar ever.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.